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How not to have phone sex (and how to do it right)

Ever since we’ve had phones, we’ve had phone sex. Just as we’ll always be tempted to use digital cameras to snap sexy pictures, tech will always be used for sex – we just can’t help ourselves. This week we’re giving a run-down on phone sex: how not to do it, and some tips to make it amazing.

This week a Councillor in Wigan was disciplined for running up a £2,400 mobile phone bill by calling sex chat lines. Robert Bleakley – the councillor in question – has had his phone removed and has been banned from speaking to women in the workplace.

That second bit might sound a bit harsh to you – after all, calling sex chat lines isn’t exactly a crime – until you realise that he broke two of the key rules about how not to have phone sex.

How not to have phone sex

Rule one: never ever use your work phone. Just don’t. Same goes for browsing porn. If your phone was given to you by your employer, they can take it off you at any time, so it’s not the best place to store your secrets. It’s hard to believe that we have say this, but it turns out that politicians just aren’t as sensible as the rest of us.

Rule two: always be respectful. While there might not be any ‘in and out’, phone sex is still sex of a kind, so respect for the other person is vital. This is something the councillor forgot, demonstrating instead a complete lack of respect for women. When they seized the phone his bosses found texts describing women as “just cooking and washing material.” Charming.

Rule three: if you get caught breaking the rules above, thank your lucky stars you weren’t fired, because you probably deserve to be. Still, we assume none of our readers would fall into these traps, and for those of you who fancy some dirty chat, here are our tips on how to have great phone sex.

Better ways to have phone sex

Practise! Whether you’re just on your own (there’s no harm in talking to yourself – it’s all in a good cause!) or with your partner, swapping stories back and forward to try and work out what you both find hot, practise really does make perfect.

Perhaps the most important thing is to understand which words each of you likes to use. We’re not all erotica writers, and there’s nothing worse than a misplaced ‘throbbing member’ if you’re trying to keep your partner horny. Likewise you don’t necessarily want to get too medical and sound like you’re in the doctor’s surgery.

Accessorize! As you have to balance your phone in one hand it can sometimes be difficult to masturbate during phone sex. So it’s the perfect excuse to pick up your favourite toy ・ not that you really need an excuse, of course! Most sex toys are pretty easy to use one-handed, although men might prefer to use something like the Pulse ・ a masturbator that can even be used hands-free. For women we’d recommend whatever your favourite vaginal or clitoral vibe is ・ a rabbit vibrator, for instance, or a simple clitoral vibrator. The main thing is it should be something fairly quiet – after all, you don’t want something to drown out your practised sex chat.

If you want to really push the boat out, there are sex toys available that your partner can use on you even if he’s not in the same room. The amazing We Vibe 4 Plus comes with an app that controls the vibrations. Give your partner control of the app, and he can adjust the vibrations even if he’s on another continent, hearing your reaction to the different vibration patterns and building you to an intense orgasm.

As we said at the beginning, wherever there’s a technology, someone will be using it for sex. And with the advances in both sex toys and apps, combining the two so that you can play with your partner even over a long distance – surely this is the ultimate phone sex experience? At least, until someone invents the next big thing…

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